Cremation Urns and grief

Someone You Love Has Died
You are now faced with the difficult, but important, need to mourn. Mourning is the open
expression of your thoughts and feelings regarding the death and the person who has
died. It is an essential part of healing. You are beginning a journey that is often frightening,
painful, overwhelming, and sometimes lonely. This article provides practical suggestions to
help you move toward healing in your personal grief experience.

Realize Your Grief is Unique
Your grief is unique. No one will grieve in exactly the same way. Your experience will be
influenced by a variety of factors: the relationship you had with the person who died; the
circumstances surrounding the death; your emotional support system; and your cultural
and religious background.

As a result of these factors, you will grieve in your own special way. Don’t try to compare
your experience with that of other people or to adopt assumptions about just how long your
grief should last. Consider taking a “one-day-at-a-time” approach that allows you to grieve
at your own pace.

Talk About Your Grief
Express your grief openly. By sharing your grief outside yourself, healing occurs. Ignoring
your grief won’t make it go away; talking about it often makes you feel better. Allow yourself
to speak from your heart, not just your head. Doing so doesn't mean you are losing
control, or going “crazy.” It is a normal part of your grief journey.

Find caring friends and relatives who will listen without judging. Seek out those persons
who will walk with, not in front of, or behind you in your journey through grief. Avoid
persons who are critical or who try to steal your grief from you. They may tell you, “Keep
your chin up,” or “Carry on,” or “Be happy.” While these comments may be well-intended,
you do not have to accept them. You have a right to express your grief; no one has the
right to take it away.

Expect to Feel a Multitude of Emotions
Experiencing loss affects your head, heart, and spirit. So you may experience a variety of
emotions as part of your grief work. Confusion, disorganization, fear, guilt, relief, or
explosive emotions are just a few of the emotions you may feel. Sometimes these emotions
will follow each other within a short period of time. Or they may occur simultaneously.

As strange as some of these emotions may seem they are normal and healthy. Allow
yourself to learn from these feelings. And don't be surprised if out of nowhere you
suddenly experience surges of grief, even at the most unexpected times. These grief
attacks can be frightening and leave you feeling overwhelmed. They are, however, a
natural response to the death of someone loved. Find someone who understands your
feelings and will allow you to talk about them.

Allow for Numbness
Feeling dazed or numb when someone dies is often part of your early grief experience.
This numbness serves a valuable purpose: it gives your emotions time to catch up with
what your mind has told you. This feeling helps create insulation from the reality of the
death until you are more able to tolerate what you don't want to believe.

Be Tolerant of Your Physical and Emotional Limits
Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you fatigued. Your ability to think
clearly and make decisions may be impaired. And your low-energy level may naturally slow
you down. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Nurture yourself. Get daily
rest. Eat balanced meals. Lighten your schedule as much as possible. Caring for yourself
doesn't mean feeling sorry for yourself; it means you are using survival skills.

Develop a Support System
Reaching out to others and accepting support is often difficult, particularly when you hurt
so much. But the most compassionate self-action you can do at this difficult time is to find a
support system of caring friends and relatives who will provide the understanding you
need. Find those people who encourage you to be yourself and acknowledge your feelings
- both happy and sad.

Make Use of Ritual
The memorial ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved. It helps
provide you with the support of caring people. Most importantly, the funeral or life
celebration is a way for you to express your grief outside yourself. If you eliminate this
ritual, you often set yourself up to repress your feelings, and you cheat everyone who
cares of a chance to pay tribute to someone who was, and always will be, loved.

Embrace Your Spirituality
If faith is part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to
be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you are angry at
God because of the death of someone you loved, realize this feeling as a normal part of
your grief work. Find someone to talk with who won’t be critical of your feelings of hurt and
abandonment.

Allow a Search for Meaning
You may find yourself asking, “Why did he die? Why this say? Why now?” This search for
meaning is often another normal part of the healing process. Some questions have
answers. Some do not. Actually, the healing occurs in the opportunity to pose the
questions, not necessarily in answering them. Find a supportive friend who will listen
responsively as you search for meaning.

Treasure Your Memories
Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after someone loved dies. Treasure them.
Share them with your family and friends. Recognize that your memories may make you
laugh or cry. In either case, they are a lasting part of the relationship that you had with a
very special person in your life.

Move Toward Your Grief and Heal
The capacity to love requires the necessity to grieve when someone loved dies. You
cannot heal unless you openly express your grief. Denying your grief will only make it
become more confusing and overwhelming. Embrace your grief and heal.

Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event.
Be patient and tolerant with yourself. Never forget that the death of someone loved
changes your life forever. It's not that you won't be happy again. It’s simply that you will
never be exactly the same as you were before the death.

The experience of grief is powerful. So, too, is your ability to help yourself heal. In doing
the work of grieving, you are moving toward a renewed sense of meaning and purpose in
your life.

*If this has been helpful, you may want to consider reading more of Alan D. Wolfelt's work:
*Taken from Alan D. Wolfeit's work on grief . His books about dealing with grief are available on Amazon.
com

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